The Evil Overlord List
28 Mar 2005 
in the early morning 
Matt Winckler
This list is a must-read for all aspiring evil overlords. Culled from clichés and classic evil overlord blunders of science fiction, the list features 100 pieces of useful information and resolutions to help arch-villains avoid needless mistakes. A few of my personal favorites follow.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
7. When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him. No, on second thought I’ll shoot him then say “No.”
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
46. If an advisor says to me “My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?”, I will reply “This,” and kill the advisor.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says “I’ll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!”, I will say “Oh well” and kill her.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk “Project Overlord” and leave it lying on top of my desk.
83. If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.Source: Peter’s Evil Overlord List