A War Within
Well, I’ve been in early labor for 46 hours now. Before it started I was already dilated 2cm and effaced 50%. Last night I was 3cm and softer, but not much more effaced. Castor oil last night didn’t get [the right] things moving, and today it seems to have slowed down. I did get sleep last night and two naps today, so I’ve had the wherewithal to actually think about all this a little.
I like plans. I like to plan. I like having a plan. I always have a plan. Plans, of course, don’t always — in fact, generally aren’t — followed to the letter, but I derive peace of mind simply from having one in place. I am decidedly not a B personality type. I cannot say, “Well, whatever, whenever, we’ll just see what happens.” I can plan for something to happen “later,” I can make a plan and have a back-up plan, but I will always have some general idea of what I want to do and have happen.
I believe in childbirth it is best to keep the process as natural as possible. It is excellent, of course, to have the monitoring abilities and emergency care procedures that we have today; I do not wish to live in Africa or in 1800. However, I believe medical interventions greatly increase the risk both of complications and of further interventions becoming necessary. Generally speaking, doctors have become so used to making these interventions that they don’t think much of it — pitocin causes more painful contractions, so an epidural becomes practically mandatory, but everyone gets an epidural anyway, right? Getting an epidural may slow things down or may make pushing less productive, requiring pitocin, episiotomy, or pulling the baby out by various means. I don’t want my baby’s head suctioned out; I know there’s very little risk of it doing anything harmful, but I’d rather push a little longer if there’s no emergency (and I do know that for which I ask; I pushed for 2 1/2 hours with Hans, and it is no fun). I think it’s best to avoid intervention until it becomes necessary; when it is necessary, I am glad we have the means.
These two considerations are now warring within me. My personality wishes to control as much as possible; my philosophy of childbirth wishes everything to happen naturally and in God’s own good time. For me, this is the true test, not the prospect of or actuality of pain. I am glad we planned a homebirth, otherwise I probably would have gone to the hospital last night and at least had my water broken…which, if that didn’t work, they’d necessarily have to start other interventions before long, and Jaeger would probably be breathing fresh air right now. Because breaking my water worked with Hans (I had a full day of early labor, stuck at 3cm, broke my water, went from 3-7cm in half an hour, but then still didn’t give birth for another 7 hours or so), it seems like the best option now…since I am once more stuck at three. But, my contractions aren’t as strong now as they were when she did it with Hans, and Jaeger is under no stress whatsoever and my blood pressure remains low. So, I wait. I have no excuse for a medical intervention, much as part of me actually does wish for one. As it is, I am exerting my mind to its greatest capacity to relax and be patient and claim the peace God does graciously bestow. Active labor could begin within the next hour, or it could begin tomorrow — or Saturday, or possibly Sunday…as long as contractions are continuing it’s likely it won’t be another week, but you never really know. So, I am forced to sit back and say, “Whatever, whenever, we’ll just see what happens.”
