Big Boy
When Jaeger was first born, Johannes had no problem with the new addition. He came into bed with us the following morning as if he had expected a baby to be there. And, for the next week or two, continued his life with little notice or fanfare about the baby. It was around two weeks that the full impact of this development began to dawn on him, I believe. Mommy couldn’t hold Hans on her lap while she nursed and read to him; Mommy couldn’t get the things he needed or wanted while nursing, and it seemed like she was nursing all the time (to us both!). There were rules about how and where to touch this new baby. This baby couldn’t play or run or fight or do anything exciting or useful. This baby got a pacifier and Hans couldn’t have it, though he wanted it desperately.
Hans’ confrontations about these changes manifested themselves almost exclusively in public. On one trip to the store, Hans tried insisting that he and I go into the store and the baby stay in the car (and it took me 3 full minutes trying to understand what he wanted — for he was throwing quite a fit — as I did my best to discipline him in a public parking lot with Jaeger already in the cart.) He did this on the consectutive trips. It was the fourth trip wherein I left with them anticipating this fight and finally had a game-plan in mind, but this time he was reaching reasonableness and was quickly reconciled, with a bit of whining but no temper or fit, to sitting in the large cart basket while Jaeger, in his carseat, was perched on the seat of the cart.
Then came the first visit to Nana’s house after the baby was born. Hans loves playing there, and I had some errands to run, so this time I thought I would avoid all confrontations and let him play with Kirsten while I took Jaeger around. Oh, no, this was not popular. This drew a fit also. Discipline was, at least, more convenient here; however, I still left him crying after me…Mom and I both thinking it was a show for me and he’d start playing as soon as I was gone. But, alas, he was more stubborn and sincere than that. This happened the two or three times I left him there while taking the baby, until Matt and I went out to dinner for our anniversary — leaving Jaeger with Mom as well. I think this was more than readjusting to being babysat after several weeks of not; he saw Jaeger getting more Mommy time, Jaeger getting to go and Hans being left behind.
Hans’ still rarely threw a fit about anything at home, although whining increased; part of that increase was not in response to Jaeger, but because in the last few weeks of pregnancy & the first couple weeks post-partum, I had gone soft and lazy in rebuking his bad attitudes. So, as far as enforcement of the law went, whining had been allowed.
About this same time, Hans was going through a testing period, as well. You could see his little mind working: “Ok, Mommy said not to eat my crayon. What if I only pretend to eat it? What if I touch it with my mouth, but don’t put it inside my mouth?” “Ok, Mommy said not to step on my book. What if I just hold my foot over the book, but don’t actually stand on it? What if I stand on my book 5 minutes later?” Of course the last instance is direct disobedience, but what of the others? I had to quickly determine where the limits were — how many rules do I want to make and therefore have to enforce? How can I distinguish between curious testing and careful defiance (not really disobeying, but showing that he truly wants to and just might), and will he see the distinction?
So, between 3 and 4 weeks post-partum, a program of crackdown, attention, and praise began. I enforced the standing house rules, I consciencely reminded myself to pay eye-contact attention to him when he talked to me; to spend time reading to him and playing with him; and to show him throughout the day all the things he can do that Jaeger can’t, while both requiring him to be a big boy and praising him when he did behave as a big boy. He had already begun to be my helper several months before, but I gave him more opportunities to help and now expected him to pick up most of his own toy or food messes. He can hold the baby, talk to the baby, and Jaeger smiles and babbles for Hans more than he does even for me. We also at this time ended Hans’ bottle-before-sleeping habit. He always had a bottle of rice milk while I rocked him before bed. We told him he was a big boy now and big boys don’t drink from bottles. He, in his turn, refused milk in a sippy cup (“No! Water, please!”), and would petulantly ask before nap-time and bed-time, “Bottle? –Big Boy?” then sigh and accept his fate. It is something we should have done before; since he has been off the bottle, he has stopped craving Jaeger’s pacifier. I believe the bottle-time reinforced twice a day the habit and comfort of sucking.
So now Hans is two and my little cheerful helper. He has his place and his duties, and sees that Jaeger has many more disadvantages than advantages (no Cherrios! no fighting! — who can live like that?). We are now, at 11 weeks with the baby, settled into a routine and common everyday life together as a family of four.
