A Healer’s Geste

Grateful

…giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ…
Ephesians 5:20

For a Thanksgiving Day:

I am grateful for God’s sovereignty, that not even a sparrow — how much more a covenant child! — falls without the will of our Father in heaven.

I am grateful that God prepares a place for His children where Friedrich now rests and where one day I will see him again.

I am grateful that my husband was one signature short of receiving approval for his business trip that would have had him out of town during the entire ordeal.

I am grateful for my family, natural and in-law, that has brought me meals, cleaned my house, kept and loved and played with my boys, and run errands for me. I am grateful my mom was available the day we discovered Friedrich’s death so that I could go to my other home and be held by my own mom.

I am grateful for distracting movies, engrossing books, and — most especially — restoring sleep.

I am grateful God providentially scheduled my routine 16-week check-up for the day before the cramping began, so that it did not come as a sudden, panicked shock.

I am grateful the cramping began on its own so that the induction was working with my body.

I am grateful that it was all over before the time it was scheduled to begin.

I am grateful for medication that removed the physical pain and left me enough strength to deal with the emotional pain and caused me to sleep.

I am grateful for God’s providential hand in guiding me to an OB doctor for this pregnancy, where I received an immediate ultrasound and where I was able to be easily checked into the best hospital in the Tri-Cities.

I am grateful for Friedrich’s brief life. I am thankful God allowed him to live as long as he did so that I was able to see him, to hold him, to know he was my third little boy, to name him, to love him. He was the same little person, even had he died 10 weeks before; God allowed me the opportunity to know him that little bit and did not allow me to pass by his little life. I am so thankful that I will never be able to forget him.

I am grateful for women who listen, who ask questions about my baby, who want to hear about him, who cry with me, who call him by name, who marvel at his tiny handprints.

I am grateful that God works His purposes in this fallen world. Because of the fall, misformed bodies are possible, but God has also ordained a way for our bodies to handle little bodies that cannot live. God knows what is best and has purposed Friedrich to live almost entirely in heaven rather than suffer his fallen body in this fallen world. Friedrich will receive a new and perfect body, and will know nothing other than that perfected existance.

I am grateful for friends who care, friends who are willing to talk, friends who know medical things, friends who know the grief of miscarriage, friends who pray.

I am grateful that, unlike my other pregnancies, I did not gain weight in the first trimester. I am grateful that now, although I continue to wear my transition pants and skirts, I can wear my normal tops — no maternity shirts when I have neither babe in womb nor babe in arms.

I am grateful the placenta delivered quickly and easily, and there was no need for further intervention.

I am grateful for my two living boys. Now I realize more than ever that their lives are not theirs or mine, but God’s. God has already ordained not only the days of their beginning, but also the day of their demise. We do not know it, but God does and God will carry out his purposes in their lives and in their deaths. I am a steward of their lives, granted by God the responsibility of raising them for Him. All of this I knew before, but now I feel it in my bones. God has ordained who my children will be, those born living and born dead. He will take care of them all and all of them will serve to glorify His name in the manner He has called them to.

I am grateful I have a niece who is thriving. Even if I cannot visit her, I take comfort from simply knowing that we do have a baby in the family at this time.

I am grateful my boys each have a sibling already, and they do already have someone to play with and love on and beat up.

I am grateful for my husband who loves me and who has paid enough attention over these years to know how to show me that he does.

I am grateful for my delivery nurse who was so kind, gentle, and sensitive. I am grateful that she took the time to make hand prints and foot prints, to measure and weigh him, and to take pictures of him. I am so grateful to have these keepsakes of my third child.

I am grateful for the doctor’s wife who takes the time to hand-paint small hat boxes and crochet tiny blankets for bereaved mothers. I am grateful for the kind hands that put together small collections of mementos for women they do not know and will never meet.

I am grateful for cold treats: for popsicles during labor, for much ice in a little water, for Italian ices at 5 in the morning, for chocolate-dipped ice cream bars during afterpains, for a bowl of coffee ice cream during a movie.

I am grateful the Lord has made His promises known, His promise of steadfast love to a thousand generations of those who love Him. I am grateful for the Scriptures, from whence we can derive comforting assurances.

I am grateful that God promises to turn trials and suffering to our good, to produce in us wisdom, strength, and perseverence. It’s not why He does it, but it is something He does through it nonetheless. He does it all for His own glory, though we do not understand how or why.

Thank you, Lord, for Friedrich William Winckler.

Thank you for the steadfast love and mercy You have shown to me.

Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever!
Psalm 118:1