A Healer’s Geste

Confessions

I have a secret. I can’t believe I’m making it public.

I dislike reading aloud.

Oh, I enjoy listening to books, whether it’s Matt narrating or it’s a book on tape. I highly enjoy taking books in through my ears.

I just don’t like being the one to vocalize them.

It’s Friday and I think I’ve read a total of three books aloud to the boys — all week.

Once we’re actually sitting and reading it’s never too bad; but those anticipatory moments are full of dread. When Hans says, “Can you read me a book?” In my mind I groan, “Do I have to?” But even when we are in the middle of it and it’s not dreadful it is still not really enjoyable or pleasurable. I never want to keep going. I think I’ve masked it enough that reading times are still enjoyable to the boys, although I know that because it’s not something we regularly do, Hans doesn’t ask for it as much as his playmates.

And this! This from an English major! This from a person who loves books! I know, I don’t understand it either.

It’s not our collection, either. Bookworm has any book of ours that wasn’t up to snuff. We do have one noisy, push-the-button book and two twaddly lift-the-flap books, but I have decreed them to be play books, not read-aloud books. I utterly refuse to read the plot of Cars while being drowned out by the sound effect buttons, especially when all Hans really wants is to see the pictures of the red car and all Jaeger wants is to hear it go “vroom, vroom.” They still thoroughly enjoy the book and haven’t asked me to read it since a week after it was opened from under Nana’s Christmas tree. :) We’re all happier that way.

No, I love Saint George and the Dragon. I adore the Frances series. I get a kick out of Frog and Toad. The story lines are good, the language is fitting to each (“brandished his bright blade” is my favorite line of St. George). I don’t know what my problem is.

It’s not even the boys. Even Jaeger will sit on my lap or next to me for at least one picture book, sometimes two in a row. Even if he’s playing, he’ll be quiet and I’m sure he’s listening, without me reminding him. I do not even know the limit of Hans’ attention span when it comes to stories because 3 books is my limit. Grandma has reported them listening contentedly for a full hour.

Not only do I have boys who like stories and want stories, I am thoroughly convinced that stories are one of the most important aspects of their early education and vital throughout every season of life. I completely agree that reading aloud is essential and should be done even with children can read for themselves. I am excited about a literature-rich and literature-based, twaddle-free and living-book-full, approach to homeschooling — in the theoretical.

I was commenting to Elly last time we got together, “Don’t you look forward to official homeschooling? It’ll be that time when suddenly, magically we’ll be organized and productive.” It’s the same in this case: “Homeschooling will be that time when suddenly and magically I will enjoy and look forward to hours of reading aloud, because that’ll be the PLAN.”

I do think there’s slight truth to that statement, just as Elly pointed out that there is a grain of truth in the first comment. We both agree we get more done now than we did before we had kids, simply because we have to and having less time to do work and more reasons to get it done work together as motivation; plus simply the experience and habit-training work takes time to build up and have effect. In the same way, now reading aloud seems like a pause, a break, fromthe real work — like writing blog posts — and it’s not a break for me, so I don’t want to take that break. Official homeschool with a day’s plan means that reading aloud for an hour will result in a check on the chart and everyone knows that checks on a chart equal productivity. :)

It’s also true that when I have had “read aloud 3 books” on my circle time to-do list and I was committed to doing circle time have been the times when it’s actually happened and at least I had the satisfaction while reading to know that when it was done I’d get to check it off. Ok, I like to check things off lists.

Even in the contemplating of the lovely theoretical and ideal scenes of homeschooling, pictures like this one

actually make my heart sink a little bit, and not just because of the Victorian garb. It looks so boring and dull. Maybe it is the Victorian garb. The first reason to read aloud, says R.C. Jr., “and it is sufficient in itself to be the last one—it’s a great deal of fun. Having your children gathered around, calm and at peace is a great blessing, to which we add a story well told. Why wouldn’t we find time to enjoy this pleasure? What other inducement would you need?” And although I cognitively agree even with this point as well as all the others — after all, I enjoy listening to books myself and I enjoy sharing books with Matt by listening to what he is reading — I simply don’t relate to the pleasure part in being the reader.

So I tell myself that when Hans turns 5 or 6 my reason will win over my preference and we will do lots of reading and probably someday, maybe by the time I have that many children, I will actually delight in being

this mother — without the Victorian garb — and I will enjoy all the children hanging all over me, all invading my personal space at once — but without the Victorian garb.

Perhaps with fortitude and contentment I will learn to enjoy it; it’s not unlikely, after all, godly contentment is great gain and maybe that’ll be one of my gains. So far my modus operandi has been to relish this time whence such fortitude is not required of me, just as I console myself when I can’t keep a routine is that now is not yet the time for such things anyway, yet I have nagging guilt, and not unnecessarily so, either.

So, I resolve to actually read aloud. Maybe 3 in the morning during circle time and 2 or 3 in the afternoon and see if Matt would read another before bedtime as a matter of routine and not just as an acquiescence to an occasional request. Then again, I always resolve such things on Friday. Friday is a safe day for resolutions. After all, one can’t be expected to keep resolutions on the weekend.

So, I am quite determined, I have really quite made up my mind to…on Monday…